I ache to even pretend that part of me is innocent and new.

“There are people I know who say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. There are others who say,

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got.” Shuna

Chamomile Tea Celebration Day it says on the calendar to my right. Well, at least that makes more sense than the 19^th, which was National Penguin Awareness Day. I couldn’t really wrap my mind around that one so I’ve let it marinate in there for a while. Is there a general lack of awareness around Penguins? I thought there were famous documentaries and children’s movies with tap dancing and/or surfing or ninja penguins. Maybe that was a fever dream too.

I still feel sick, but not as sick which is good. I am tired, though and thinking in short sentences. I am contemplating secrets and if they are good to have or good to tell.

I feel small today. I feel timid and shy and if I dare, submissive. It’s late this year, the cravings, the dark parts, the true winter side of me. It’s late and maybe it’s because I didn’t need it until now. Well, I don’t need it yet, but I can feel it. She’s coming and she’s hungry. I ache to even pretend that part of me is innocent and new.

Those things are hard not to delete.

I feel small today and small isn’t a big enough word, but it’s not bad. Don’t worry. I’m not secretly building a comfortable cocoon around me, really. I’m not and I lie.

If I keep doing what I’ve always done, I’ll keep getting what I’ve always got.

If I keep doing what I’ve always done, I’ll keep getting what I’ve always got.

If I keep doing what I’ve always done, I’ll keep getting what I’ve always got.

What do I need to do differently? What do I want? I guess I need to think on it some more.