The Light That You See When You Close Your Eyes Day

The calendar at work is looking at me again. I know, just last Thursday was Save the Eagles day but since they’ve been taken off the Endangered Species List, I don’t know what to save them from besides bad decorating kitsch.
Anyway, the calendar is staring at me and those words keep rolling through my head. The light that you see when you close your eyes.

I keep closing my eyes to make sure the light’s still there. I keep gasping for more and all I get are flashes. I want to surround you with it but there’s not enough. I want to fall into it and forget it all but I’m trying not to go there this Winter. I’m trying not to block out the light this winter.

I keep closing my eyes and I see that light that we all see. Today, it’s anger, hope, and determination. Today, the light is the knowledge that I can overcome anything or I can't and then I'm dead so who cares. Last night, as I was laying there waiting to fall asleep I kept thinking about this day on my work calendar and I thought I had it all worked out. I was telling myself that I would remember in the morning, that I didn’t have to go and get up just to write it down, but I really should have.

I thought of the light that you see when you close your eyes as being a constant like hope to me is constant. I find that if I live within the knowledge that it will be ok, if I hold the acceptance of life how it is in the now, then those things will come true even through the bad times. By nature, I am a freakier. I panic at the first sign of anything not going according to my Grand Plan. Now, this Grand Plan is not always the best plan, best thing or most rational thought or desire, but it’s my Grand Plan and I can’t help but to make one. I used to freak out and that got me nowhere. All it got me was upset. (Don’t get me wrong, I still freak out. I just freak out a lot less.)
Now, I constantly live within the knowledge that everything will work out and This too shall pass. I work through it. I take deep breaths and work around it and I even *gasp* change the Grand Plan.

It seems like a little thing, but finding my flow was and is continually hard. I am always reminding myself that it’s only life, it’s only the light you see when you close your eyes.