Old Spaces

I don’t know how to start this. I don’t know how to tell this story. No one asked me to tell, but I have to. No, change that, I need to. If you just want to know the short version, he disappeared and that was that. Every once in a while, I would send a “are you alive?” email and would get a “Yes. Will write more soon.” in response.
But, I want to tell the whole story, for once. I want to start with a good old fashioned, “Once upon a time”, but that’s been done so many times before. So, I will give the basics because I can’t figure out any other way to explain myself.
I met a man one night, it was my birthday and he got my number. Tony was different than most and I recognized that something different within him. He was quiet and strong. He was funny but very subtly so. He was a little geeky, but not for lack of style, just disregard for current trends. He moved within his own flow and I moved nicely with him.
We developed a close relationship. He enjoyed my submissive nature and never overstepped my boundaries. We explored the things we never dared tell anyone else. And then, one day, I felt the disconnect. A week later he moved away.
It’s been almost 4 years since then and I would say that I’m over him. I wouldn’t take him back.

Yesterday, my best friend moved to her new apartment. I had not seen it yet so after we filled up our cars, I followed her there. My best friend is moving into his old apartment. The space is a little different. They took out the dropped ceiling and replaced flooring, but I wasn’t expecting it. I was overwhelmed for quite a while, but just moved boxes and focused on lifting and not hurting anything. I guess I was not my usual loud self, because a couple people asked me if I was ok. I am ok.
After the third load of stuff, we were done and I hugged her. I drove home and pulled over along the river. I cried for a long time. I don’t even know what I cried for, but maybe I finally let it all go. The abandonment and loss were so much when it happened that I pushed it aside to get through the day to day. For weeks after he left, people told me that I needed to get more sleep or that I looked sick. Strangers on the street would approach me and ask if I was ok. I wasn’t ok then. I am ok now. Sometimes, the loss becomes what we hold onto. Sometimes, it’s all we have. I have so much more than that now. I have so much more.