I annoy myself.

I don’t know what to say anymore, but if I look back on my years of blogging then I realize that I have periods of time where nothing comes out. I have silence and I hate it.

I do realize that I would be better off expressing myself. If I get the junk out of me, I can turn it around and look at it. I can understand myself better that way, but I don’t want to share this junk. It’s mine and I want to keep it.

I find that all I want is to skate these days. Derby has stolen me. I don’t mind.

And yes, something is missing but I know that I create the void. It’s real, yet emotional, intangible, and under control. (I hope.)

I have been asked if I need drugs. I’ve been asked if I’ve been diagnosed. I’ve been asked if I consider myself an addict. I’ve been asked to stop.

And I want to scream and throw myself on the floor and kick my feet. I want to say out loud that my heart hurt. I want to say that I miss them, all of them. I miss the ones who wanted to go and those that didn’t. I miss myself, the young self that could just be at peace and still. I want to say that I am important too and that I can’t change my desire. I want to cry, but I don’t.

I won’t say the things I should not say. I will allow myself to burrow here and keep going.