Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

The one thing I realized this past week, that I have known all along, just forgotten over the years, is that we have no control over the external.

And in some degree, we have no control over how we feel, just what we do.

Even then…. sometimes we lose it.

It’s scary to give it all up to the unknown. It’s why people believe in religion, it’s the basis of faith.

I’ve also found that the only faith that I need is that I can make it through anything. I’ve been through a lot, most, just like you and here we are.

We are as good as new, better even.

I think you are perfect just like you are now, imperfect and human. I think we all need to start more self-acceptance and once we figure out who we are in the present, we can start to change for better.

It’s so much, the voices and feelings; it’s so much of itself. Other people’s words, pain, loss, and even joy seem to fill the crack in my pavement of everyday. I’m always trying to smooth myself out instead of just going with it and letting it flow past. I’m trying to smooth it out and I’m holding it in. I’m always censoring, gauging, testing, trying and attempting. It’s exhausting and I’m done with it.

I say, fuck it if my conversations are silly and go nowhere. Fuck it if I act like a fool or an ass if that’s how I am in the moment. I’m done worrying how I am being and I’m going to just be. I can’t do both at the same time. I’m not gifted like that.

Feel fully, completely, even if it breaks your heart, even if it crushes you. Sob on the kitchen counter. Scream until you lose your voice; push it out because it’s the control that’s making us fade, Dear Diary. It’s holding it in that makes us disappear. It’s the feelings of failure and guilt that make us retreat inside. We didn’t fail at anything except the acceptance of the knowledge that it’s not our fault.

Maybe, the holding and controlling and reining it in is what makes us unstable. Maybe if we let the crazy out more, it would go away more. Maybe if we just found the flow and went with it…..

Maybe.

Or, I could be totally wrong, but if you see me with my crazy hanging out, just know it’s out on purpose.

Love you,

K